No Witnesses—Hopefully!

There are moments in life that no one prepares you for.

Not the loss of your parents. Not retirement. Not becoming a grandmother. Not suddenly peeing a little when you laugh. And... certainly not falling off your own bed!

There I was, sprawled inelegantly on the floor at some ungodly hour of the night, looking around in the dark, trying to quickly reconstruct exactly what series of unfortunate events had led to this less-than-dignified landing.

The first thought wasn't, Am I hurt?

It wasn't even, How do I get back up? Mind you, I think that one did flash through my brain at warp speed.

But no.

The first thought was...

"Did anybody see that?"

Silence.

Such a funny sense of relief washed over me when my mental question was met with silence.

"Good thing the cat isn't here to judge me."

In my visually active mind, I imagined my cat standing at the door, maybe smoking a cigar and slowly shaking her head at pathetic little me thinking, “And I trust this human to feed me?”

Yes. She is judgy, my little queen. A bit disdainful too, I suppose... but so affectionate.

Anyhow, I digress.

Throughout all this, I was still on the floor. One foot remained on the bed, trapped in the sheet wrapped around it. The other sprawled on the floor—I wouldn’t even strike such a pose at the gynecologist!—while I leaned on my left elbow and flung my right arm around in the dark, trying to grab the edge of my crazy-high mattress in an effort to pull myself up.

Maybe I'm being filmed? A comedy of errors, perhaps?

At moments like that, you realize we all have these ridiculous experiences that no one witnesses—or at least we desperately hope no one did. Not even the cat.

The moment we trip over absolutely nothing.

The conversation we secretly have with the refrigerator.

Smiling and waving enthusiastically at someone on the street... who was not really waving at you.

Or talking to yourself while looking for your reading glasses—only to suddenly realize they're on your head.

Private, trivial moments that remind us that behind every composed, competent adult is a person who's simply improvising— or perhaps someone who missed their calling as a comedian.

You must be wondering how I managed to get myself up.

I'm not exactly feather-light, so I couldn't just spring to my feet like a graceful gymnast. It was more like watching a disheveled sloth slowly twisting and turning, trying to figure out which body part could be persuaded to cooperate first.

Eventually, I did—tongue out, sweating, my hair so tangled it looked like a massive spider web perched on my head—leaning on the nightstand and palpating around until I found the lamp switch.

Finally...

Let there be light; and there was light!

Sorry, God, for the allusion to Your first day of Creation.

Anyhow, I looked around, still embarrassed, and then straightened myself up.

Naturally, going back to sleep took a lot of tossing and turning. Then, just when I was finally beginning to settle, I felt that familiar pressure...

Really? I have to pee?

Swearing a little under my breath like an old angry trucker, I got up again to do my business.

That's another thing we take for granted when we're young—going hours without having to pee. Dancing all night at a nightclub. Travelling. Jumping. Running around without planning every washroom stop in advance.

Amazing! Not a drop.

Well... unless you're pregnant. That one gets a free pass.

Falling off my bed... Who would have ‘thunk’?

Perhaps one of life's little mercies is that our most undignified moments usually happen without an audience—not even the cat. They remind us not to take ourselves too seriously and that, if we're really lucky, the only witness to our mishaps is our own laughter.